Fear
by Ilana88
Summary: Even now, after all was over he couldn't prevent imagining her lying motionless on the floor, her eyes wide open – empty and lifeless. / a very short tag to 7x08


She hadn't said a word since they left the office. Jane looked at her from time to time, but she never took her eyes oft he road. He leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes. She hadn't even given him an answer, when he proposed that she could drop him at his airstream. He was not sure whether this was a bad or good sign.

He knew he should tell her again that he was sorry…but he couldn't, because it would be a lie. He was relieved. Relieved that she was sitting beside him in her car, very angry but at the same time very alive and in the end that was all that mattered.

She killed the engine in her driveway and stepped out of the car. She left her keys in the ignition and for a short moment Jane wondered whether this was a wordless message, telling him to get the hell out of here and to his airstream. That's when he saw that she left the front door open for him. He left the car and locked it, before following her into the house.

He closed the door behind him and walked over to the couch. He heard the shower going on and it probably would be a while before she'd return. He buried his face in his hands and sighed.

He understood why she was so angry, he did…it just didn't change anything. He didn't have a choice. He suddenly felt very tired, felt every single minute he'd spent awake last night – first on the couch and then besides her. He hadn't dared to get up again, fearing that he'd wake her… but this didn't mean that he'd slept.

Whenever he'd closed his eyes he saw all the different scenarios in front of his eyes. He thought about every single on of them, tried to think of everything that could go wrong on the way to the car. They all had started differently…but the ending had always been the same. Even now, after all was over he couldn't prevent imagining her lying motionless on the floor, her eyes wide open – empty and lifeless. He couldn't breathe for a moment; paralysed by the terror his own imagination threw at him. He opened his eyes wide, banishing the pictures from his mind, forcing himself to take deep breaths to calm himself down. It wasn't real; she was well and alive. His sleep-deprived brain was playing tricks on him, nothing else.

"Jane?"

He whirled around, surprised to see her in the dark living room. She hadn't bothered to turn the lights on; nor had he.

She looked so beautiful in her simple jersey, only dimly illuminated by the streetlights outside the house; beautiful and unharmed. Jane took another deep breath, suddenly overwhelmed. He wanted nothing more than to touch her, to reassure himself that she was real …but he didn't dare to approach her, afraid that she would step back in anger.

He stood up, not taking his eyes off her. He knew the look in her eyes, but he hadn't seen in a long time. It was the way she used to look at him back in the CBI if she found him hidden in his attic, or every time she found him still in the office in the early morning hours in his wrinkled suit. He'd turned into his old self today, driven by fear and lack of sleep.

"I'm sorry", he whispered. "Not for taking you off", he swallowed, "I'm sorry for being such a mess. I… I wanted to let you do your job, believe me. It's just", he sighed, "I'm not strong enough. I'd wish I could do the right thing, but I just can't. Not if it means risking your life."

Lisbon just shook her head, but she didn't yell at him as he'd half expected. Instead she walked to him and put her arms around him. Jane almost felt like crying as he hold her tightly against himself.

"You know", she murmured, "I'm still angry at you." She pulled back just enough so that she could look at him.

"We'll have to talk about this, Jane. Something like that can't ever happen again." She sighed, "But I also can see that you're scared – terrified even. Having you spending the night alone in the airstream, or worse the office isn't going to help."

Jane pulled her closer. Even in her anger, she was still worried about him, still trying to take care of him.

"I'm sorry", he whispered again.

"I know you are, Jane. But sometimes being sorry isn't enough."

"We'll find a solution", he said, "We'll work something out." He closed his eyes as Lisbon kissed him very gently.

"We will, but not tonight. You need to sleep now, and so do I."


End file.
